When Dreams Change

As a young child, I had many dreams and ambitions for my adult life. There were so many ideas and options, how would I ever choose? I dreamed of being a pilot, contemplated a paramedic career, fantasized about a Federal agent or spy vocation, thought about novel writing, considered joining the military, and many other occupations. One dream stood above the rest; I always imagined that regardless of what vocational path I choose, I would be a mother first and foremost. For a while, I even thought having 12 kids would be awesome. (not sure where that idea came from) :p

During that time, looking ahead at life, I was sure by the time I was 30 years old, I would be married and be raising four or five kids. My life would be secure and I would be happily serving God somewhere by my husband’s side.

Now at 30 years of age, I look back at life and wonder at all the amazing things God has allowed me to do. None of those particular childhood dreams have come to fruition, yet I have been blessed beyond measure and would not change any of it.

Not only has God blessed in ways I never dreamed of, but he has slowly, surely changed my desires and given me new ones. I am not a pilot, yet I have traveled to 40+ US states and flown to 20+ countries. I am not a paramedic, but at one time completed an EMT-basic course and used my skills to splint broken fingers and “fix” sliced toes. I have yet to write a novel, but am a blogger. I do not belong to a branch of the US Armed Forces, but I am in the Lord’s Army, fighting for the cause of Christ. And though I am not a mother, over the years, God has placed all kinds of people in my life for me to love. I want to love people, encourage them spiritually and challenge them intellectually. As a child, I assumed one day I would be a mother and would be able to pour my passion for people into my own children. However, that was not God’s plan, BUT I have such a unique opportunity to dispense love to so many.

Looking ahead, I never would have guessed at all the places God directed me to, or imagined the incredible people He would allow me to meet. Yet, here I am, not where I thought I would be, but with extreme gratitude for all my past experiences and friendships. And an excitement fills my heart at the unknown path stretching before me. I may not know what the next 30 years holds, but my God, who knows me better than I know myself, has my future in His hands.

What do I do?

Recently I attended a beautiful outdoor wedding. It was one of the rare, gloriously sunny days we had this summer. It has been so rainy, that it was a surprise to see such a lovely blue sky. I arrived early, so chatted with a couple friends who were also in attendance. Then several of the groom's friends arrived and introductions began again. I met one friendly, outgoing gentleman and he initiated a longer conversation. As the wedding was still minutes from commencing, I stayed to chat. Then he asked the question, "So, what do you do?"

My mind raced. How do I answer? What is a simple response? How do I sound intelligent with my reply? What DO I do?!

"Uh, I, uh, work a couple part-time, temporary, seasonal jobs. Recently graduated with my Bachelors. Uh, newly arrived home from a four month trip around the world."

And basically, don't know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone next month!

He was gracious and responded with "Cool!" and then asked about my travels. It wasn't as awkward as I initially thought, but it did start me thinking....

I've never been a longterm planner, in the sense that I've never wanted to stay in one place for a huge length of time. I like living year by year and God has been faithful in directing my steps at the right time. This summer has been a strange one however. I came home fully expecting to work full time at my airport seasonal job. I thought my summer months would at least be filled and I could set aside some cash for whatever next adventure presented itself. That wasn't exactly the case, my first week home, I was only scheduled for 15 hours of work. How was I supposed to pay my bills, let alone save for the future on that? I had ideas for the fall, so didn't want to look for another job, just to ask for numerous days off right off the bat.

But I knew that God has never failed me, His faithfulness has been a constant in my life and I didn't want to start doubting now. So, I prayed, waited and trusted.

My first two weeks, I picked up as many extra shifts as I could and spent my time working on home projects and reading. Then one day out of the blue, my dad asked if I wanted to work for a friend of his at his concrete cutting company. Now, I know nothing about pouring concrete, let alone cutting it, and we knew virtually what the job entailed, but the wage was something I didn't want to pass up. Some weeks I worked 3+ days and other weeks I only worked one day. But my God provided! And the other blessing is, it's summer/fall work. So I will still be free this fall/winter to persue other interests without being tied down to a job.

Once again, God made Himself known to me. And it wasn't the last time of the summer. He continued/continues to manifest Himself in my life.

Its not the easiest thing, humanly speaking to live week to week, but I can full rest in my Saviour's love and provision and KNOW that I will be taken care of. After all, he loves me with an infinite love.

So, now if you were to ask me, "What do you do?," my reply would be -

"Enjoying Life and Living by Faith"

Fearful of Evil Tidings

He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord. Psalm 112:7

A few years ago, while reading through my Bible, this verse jumped out at me. Since that time, I have clung to it many times. How often are we worried or anxious about receiving bad news? When the phone rings and your heart starts pounding, because you are fearful of who will be on the other end, calling to share news you’ve been dreading.

All through my teen years, I looked forward to one day traveling to visit missionaries. Several times I had planned a trip, only to have it fall apart. It was my one big dream and I tried opening so many doors on my own, but it was not meant to be. Finally, I gave it to the Lord. I told Him that I was ready for whenever He was ready to send me. I stopped trying to open closed doors and rested in His leading and timing. Several months later, an opportunity dropped into my lap from out of the blue. My good friend, Bro. D asked me to come North to live with his family and help at their small Christian school. That particular location had never crossed my radar before, but it was definitely of God. With a very short amount of time I was in Inuvik, NWT.

My brother had gotten married Friday evening and Monday morning I was on my way to Inuvik. We arrived Tuesday evening and by the next day, I was working at the school. Things were going well and I was getting adjusted to being away from family and “on my own.” Sunday evening, we were just getting home from church, when the phone rang. I had this weird feeling that the call was for me. But I instantly dismissed it, because I didn’t really know anyone yet in town, so no one local would be calling me and everyone back home would be at church. Yet, a few seconds later, I was told the call was for me. It was a close family friend calling to inform me my mother had been in a serious car accident the previous night. She had already had a couple surgeries and was currently in ICU.

It was such a weird feeling… I was so far away, that it was hard to believe it was real. There really was no emotion on my part at first, because I was only hearing of it and not seeing any physical evidence. It took a couple days for it to sink in. My dad called a couple days later and we talked about the entire situation. My mom would be in the hospital for a while and even after she got out, it would be a long recovery. My older brother had just gotten married, I as the oldest girl was away from home for the first time and my next brother was working fulltime. That left my middle sister, who was only 14 at the time to take care of the youngest two siblings. My dad still had to work and he also spent a lot of time at the hospital. I asked him if he thought I should come home to take care of the family. But he said no. We both knew God had given me this opportunity and he felt I should stay where God had led. God always gives grace, does He not?

A few weeks later, I received another phone call. This one came after I was already in my bedroom for the night, but I got up to take the call. A friend from home called to let me know a guy I had grown up with had been killed in a motorcycle accident. His sister and I had been good friends for a few years and while he and I never were that close, it was still a shock. How does one handle getting news like that? Yet, God is good and He always provides grace and peace when we need it most.

Fast forward to a year later. I now found myself in Outer Mongolia, completely cut off from the world around me. The village we lived in had no electricity, no running water, no radio, no cell phones. We had a landline, but it didn’t always work. One time my mom tried calling for 2 weeks before she could get through. During my first couple months there, every time the phone would ring and someone would say the call was for me, fear was my first response. My heart would pound, until I answered and realized my family had simply called to see how I was doing, not to tell me bad news. It’s a horrible way to live, always dreading the next phone call. Then I read Psalm 112:7- “He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the Lord.” The ‘he’ in the verse speaks of “the man that feareth the Lord, that delighteth greatly in his commandments,” found in verse one of the chapter. I realized that I was not trusting God the way that I should have been.

Instead of resting in Him, I was constantly worried about what evil tidings I would hear next. I was dreading the future and the pain and hurt I might face, instead of dwelling in the present moment and being at peace. I knew then that God wanted me to trust Him completely. Did that mean I would never receive bad news again? No. But I didn’t need to worry about something that hadn’t happened yet. And I could be confident that when I did receive bad news again, God would still be by my side, giving me the grace, strength and peace to deal with each situation. I clung to that verse, holding it as a promise from God. I could fix my heart and mind on His constant love, instead of dreading the future.

That year in Mongolia, I never did receive a phone call with difficult news. Instead, God taught me many other things. But He had given me Psalm 112:7 to hold on to and prepare me for the future. Years later, I was once again in Mongolia, when I would receive heart wrenching news. No, it wasn’t easy to deal with, but I had chosen not to fear the future, but trust that God would provide the grace and strength I needed when those times came. And once again, He proved Himself faithful in my life.  

A Bend in the Road

Three and half years ago, my coworkers and I were in the process of moving office locations. It was just down the road to our newly renovated building and I spent several late nights there with my supervisor, trying to quickly pull things together. I was headed out of town shortly thereafter, so was attempting to get everything in place before I left. Our new office had two large windows that displayed the end of our international airport's runway and in the farther distance the Alaska Range. Several nights I had watched the sun set behind those mountains, casting its last rays across the snow-capped tops. One evening, I stood at those windows watching the runway activity and admiring the magnificent mountains. My mind kept drifting to my upcoming trip; I had my first few flights planned and purchased, but much was still to be decided. I knew what countries I wanted to travel to, but the dates of travel and length of stays were not finalized. It was the trip I had dreamed of for years, yet there was that sense of unknown and maybe a little bit of anxiety. It was what I wanted to do, but was I making the right decisions? 

My supervisor, who is also a dear friend, reassured me that all would be well. Change and the unknown is always a bit frightening in life, but we both knew I wasn't traveling by myself. My God is ever before me and with me every step of the way. He loves me beyond comprehension, so no matter what I would face, I would have Him to be my Guide, Comfort and Giver of peace. 

Looking back at that trip three years ago, I am glad I didn't know all I would face during those six months in Asia that night at the window. I'm sure I would have shrank back from the thought of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual battles I would experience. Yet, during each of those trying moments, my confidence in God never shook. I may have struggled inside and wondered how I would get through, but I always knew God was with me and some days that was THE ONLY thing that got me through another day. 

Why am I reliving those fears from three and half years ago? Well, I am about to embark on another lengthy journey and to be honest, I'm just a tad nervous. The past couple years I've spent the majority of my time at home, working and attending school. I took time away from traveling to focus on finishing my Bachelor's degree, and I don't regret it. But traveling is in my blood and I knew it wouldn't be long before I headed out into the world's arena once again. So many people tell me that I'm brave to go to all these countries by myself, but if they could only see the inward trepidation I so effectively mask. I can't stop traveling, but it doesn't mean I'm fearless. 

And I am not just referring to the physical things I endure in random countries. Each one of my trips has changed and grown me in more ways that I can count. When I first left home, I was a young 19 year old girl who had more dreams and ideas than sense. Each year has brought another level of learning, especially that of trusting God. Trusting Him with my life, my family, my heart, my friends, my safety and so much more. As painful as some of my memories are, I would not trade any experience, for in each one I learned more about myself and more about the abundant grace and peace my Saviour gives. 

Yet, once again, I am facing the unknown and its both exhilarating and daunting. At the risk of sounding like Anne of Green Gables, there is a bend in the road and I can't see around the corner. Right before leaving on this trip, I quit my job of many years (though I've quit before, but this one feels more final) and with school finished, I don't have much tying me back home. After this trip ends, I do not know what I will do next. Oh, I have ideas, always do, but nothing is for sure.

But the excitement far outweighs the nervousness! The next four months will be one of adventure. I will see old friends, visit beloved familiar places, meet new people and explore strange places, all the while watching God move in my heart and those around me. I am greatly looking forward to it. 

I'm trusting God in my life and circumstances. Yours may be vastly different than mine, but are you trusting God regardless? 

Alone, and yet Not Alone

Thy words were found, and I did eat them; and thy word was unto me the joy and rejoicing of mine heart: for I am called by thy name, O LORD God of hosts. I sat not in the assembly of the mockers, nor rejoiced; I sat alone because of thy hand: for thou has filled me with indignation.   Jeremiah 15: 16-17

Ever have those moments (or days), that you feel so alone? Surrounded by people, and yet alone. I am so glad that I may be alone, yet I am never truly alone. For my God is my constant Companion. 

God created us to be social people. He said of Adam, "it is not good that the man should be alone;" We are a people who long for love and fellowship. I do not know a single person who really, truly wants to be unloved or unwanted. Personally, it makes me happy to know that people love me. Compliments make me smile. Friends wanting to spend time with me encourages my heart. 

And the opposite is true as well. A friend stops talking to me and I ask myself what I did wrong. Negative comments hurts my feelings. Having noone to spend time with is frustrating. And no one is exempt. Everyone likes being wanted and loved. 

That's why I'm glad I have something and Someone who remains constant in my life. I never have to worry if God loves me today or not. I never have to wonder if He is listening and speaking to me. If I feel He is far away, I am the one who has moved, not Him. I may have to remind myself of His love, but that does not change the fact His love is consistent and unchanging. 

So today I may be alone. And maybe again next week. But God is still with me. So really I am NOT alone. 

Trusting

Do you trust me? 

Yes, came the reply. 

But why? 

Because I know you. 

The above is a snippet of a conversation I had somewhat recently with a friend. I was attempting to show them that in order for one to trust God, they must know God. Who trusts a total stranger with anything important? Not me! 

God wants us to know Him. Not just to know about Him, but know Him personally, like one does their friends. How you say? Well, but spending time with Him, talking to Him, reading what He's wrote to you. Thinking (it's called meditating) about what you know regarding Him.

Isn't it funny how you share something with someone to encourage or challenge them and then it turns around on you? Not long after the conversation about trusting God with my friend, I was in the midst of comparing myself to others I know and feeling like I came short in every area. My blog isn't as cool as theirs. Wish I was as pretty as her. She has all the cool stories. blah blah blah. 

Then God spoke to my heart -

Barrie, do you trust me?  

Yes, of course, I do. 

Well, I'm the One who made you, correct? 
I chose your looks, your strengths and weaknesses, your talents and personality. 

Thank you Lord, for reminding me that we are all individuals. And that you didn't intend for me to try to be like someone else, but instead just to be me. 

It's easy in a world of social media to feel inferior, like everyone else has it all together. But honestly, they don't. Not anymore than you do. So, just trust God.

Fullness of Heart

Some days one just doesn't have the words to express what is in their heart. 

This past weekend, I wanted (needed) to get away and spend some time alone with my Saviour. I planned on going north to my dad's cabin for a day or so. I drove out Friday night and came back Saturday afternoon. It wasn't  much, but it was what I needed. Sometimes this life threatens to overwhelm me; the busyness, instant communication, relationships and even ministry obscure my view of my Lord. Going North provided me some valuable time away from my phone and the internet (yes, there are still places in this world, where there is no cell reception), away from people, my job and responsibilities and enabled me to enjoy the Lord's presence.

I've had a lot of my mind lately, all these decisions about what to do with this next year of my life, constantly weighing on me. I simply wanted the Lord to point out the next step. While I can't say I have much more concrete direction about what to do this year, I do have peace. Peace - knowing my Lord cares for me and He will lead my steps. Assurance - that He is in control and I can rest in that. 

Coming back to "civilization" yesterday, the cares of this life flooded back. Trials that dear friends are facing, relationships that need work, friends that need salvation, jobs that need done. BUT GOD is my shelter. He is my refuge. My place of comfort. The Rock when all else in my life is storming around me. 

Again, my heart is full tonight. Full of joy for the truth of God's Word and the preaching of His servants. Full because the challenges and inspiration to keep on serving my Saviour. Full because of the sadness of goodbyes. Full because heartache of those who reject the goodness of God. 

I long for the day when God calls me home. Home to be with Him FOREVER!

Until then, however, He has deemed it best that I remain on this earth to serve Him and bring Him glory with my life. Are you bringing Him glory? whether in joy or sorrow - He alone is worthy!!